James Bond In His Sanskari Avatar

The spectacular success of Spectre in the country has whetted the appetite of James Bond franchise and they want to go beyond the multiplex crowds of the Indian metros to tap the huge market that is Bharat - the country's small towns and hinterlands.

If it were only for the language barrier they would have overcome it by dubbing it in Hindi or any other Indian language, but their extensive research revealed that these audiences somehow cannot relate to the blond Daniel Craig's exploits and craved for shuddh desi characters and plot.

Hence it was decided that to get access to this untapped market they will have to align with local players, mainly the Bollywood filmmakers. The research also revealed that these filmmakers were also very eager to remake Bond flicks with Indian sanskari characteristics. They held an IPL type auction and some of the top Bond hits of yesteryears were lapped up by top Bollywood filmmakers for astronomical sums.

Leading the pack was Sooraj Barjatiya, who managed to snap up two films. The first one was The World is Not Enough, which would be renamed as The World is not Sanskari Enough.

Though the plot of the film is still at conception stage, discreet enquiries with chai walas and spot boys of Rajshri studios revealed the broad storyline is somewhat like this. The desi Bond is on a mission to prevent the sanskar deficit the world currently faces and some are even trying to annihilate it. In this mission he is ably assisted by another agent Sheikh bin Sultan al Zayed, who hails from another sanskar rich country - Saudi Arabia. Together they try to provide vital nourishment and other forms of sustenance to the sanskar starved West.

The other one from Rajshri stable would be For Your Eyes Only, which would be known as For Your Saatvic Eyes Only. The movie will be set in the pilgrim centres located to the north of Rishikesh and my sources were unable to get any more details.

Another yesteryear Bond flick Moonraker was notched up by Karan Johar after a protracted negotiations regarding the improvisation of the title. As it is well known Karan Johar always makes a film whose title begins with the letter ‘k’, hence it was decided that Moonraker in its desi avatar will be known as Karva Chauth Moon Dekhkar.

The movie will be set in Manhattan and revolves around a saatvik love story. Desi Bond falls in love with a girl after ensuring that she belongs to the same caste, but different gotra and is not a manglik. It is also about the valiant efforts of our NRIs in upholding our culture, despite living saat samundar paar.

News regarding the cast is totally under wraps but as in other Karan Johar movies this one will also have many making cameo appearances, which would include Baba Ramdev and Radhe Maa.

Ashutosh Gowarikar was able to snap up the remake of cold war flick Live and Let Die. It would be known as Live and Let Dal Fry. Set in Indian hinterland this movie the desi Bond tries to unravel the recent mystery behind the disappearance of this vital and saatvic source of protein from Indian plates.

It is also rumoured the Ram Gopal Varma is angling for the Timothy Dalton starrer Licence to Kill, but Bond franchise people are wary considering his recent box office track record. It has been more than a decade since he had delivered a hit. Sources close to Ram Gopal varma say if he clinches the deal the movie will be named Licence to kill: Ab Tak Chhappan.

(A work of fully faltoo imagination)

Also Read: Bangalore Beat

Lament of The Yellow Metal

Times are bad for me. I am being seen as a temptress who goads all and sundry to part with their hard earned savings. The Finance Minister has declared an open war on me. He has asked the people to avoid or cut down on buying me. The RBI economists look down on me, through their thick nerdy spectacles, as a big drain on what they call 'record current account deficit' - a fancy term that simply means the country is importing way too much than what it exports.

Though it has happened due to a combination of factors, I am being seen as the sole villain. Nobody is asking why the fuel bill is so bloated and why the diesel component within it is swelling like the midriff of some of our netas. Or for that matter why the exports have fallen, what are our brick and mortar and software companies doing. Why our software companies despite enjoying so many tax holidays and other sops have not created a single world-class product like Facebook or Twitter. Why our bright youngsters who join software companies, after topping in their engineering exams, do nothing worthwhile other than make power point presentations, attend mind numbing conference calls and while away the rest of time near coffee machines discussing IPL and Karan Johar movies.

They often call me a dead investment. Really, what happened in 1991. It was me who saved the nation's honour. And I do that on a daily basis for Indian families, whether it is for daughter's marriage or son's foreign education. Chalo chhoddo, I don't want to go on like the wronged women of saas bahu serials.

I wish I had remained holed up in the humble pit in South Africa cocooned in dirt and dross. But then do we have a choice? The rapacious march of 'civilization' and technology will never let us be.

Once we get processed and enter the market, most of us end up in India. Its appetite for yellow metal defies all logic and cuts across all strata of society. I find it quite ironic that this country, with shocking poverty and malnutrition statistics, has acquired such a distinction.

After coming here I came to know that in this country the fascination for yellow metal even transcends all eras. During the Medieval period the tales about India's riches spread far a wide. For marauding raider kings such as Genghis Khan and Nadir Shah India was an El Dorado to be ransacked, whatever it takes.

For ordinary people I was seen as an instrument to be acquired as a hedge against rainy days and had to be zealously guarded against robbers and dacoits. There were no bank vaults then, hence when it came to safekeeping me, the ingenuity of Indian households was mind boggling.

During the licence permit raj days, when even toothpaste was considered a luxury, I became the darling of the underworld, as nobody could trade me legitimately, thanks to the prevailing laws. Everything happened in hush-hush manner and I used to be shipped in dhows mainly from Gulf countries and land in some shady godforsaken place; sometimes encounter hot chase from the police. People returning from Gulf countries used to smuggle me in by using the most hideously ingenious techniques. I often used to end up having a glimpse of the insides of their digestive and (hold your breath) excretory systems, while travelling to India. 

The liberalisation of the 1990s came as a whiff of fresh air and I could arrive in the country through legitimate channels and was traded in a far more straight forward way. But alas the so called liberalisation actually turned out to be crony capitalism and the nation seems to be paying the price for it now with floundering economy and falling rupee. On a personal note going by the Government's new found hostility towards me, I dread the day when the only route available for me to enter this country will be through smuggling.

Also Read: Bangalore Beat