2013 Takeaways

As the year winds to a close. Here are some interesting nuggets of  2013.

AAP Effect: When amoral politicians start showing symptoms of being power averse. A temporary phenomenon, after all how long can flies stay away from sweets.

Aston Martin: So far known mainly to James Bond fans and car freaks; its Dark Knight like appearance on Mumbai's Peddar Road revealed its destructive potential. Forget the ill-fated cars which happened to be on the road at that time, even the URLs that contained some tidbits about the incident suffered an untimely wreck!!

Betrayed Billion: A term coined by brain dead TV anchors to convey their anguish over match fixing scandal and supplanting their fantasy that 'the nation' also thinks so (yawn).  

Bhaiya: A commonplace term to address brothers and give men on the street a feeling of importance got a whole new connotation, courtesy Asaram Bapu. The Godman would like us to believe that the damsels in distress just need to address their tormentors as 'bhaiya' to make them melt away from their evil intent.

Chowmein: Got elevated to the status of Spanish Fly, thanks to scientists at Khap laboratory. Pity the dish is not purely Indian, but the adulterated Hindustani masalas is something we can feel proud of.

Dented and Painted: This was Pranab Mukherjee's son Abhijith's Digivijay moment. That day he lost his anonymity and had a feel of the heat of media glare.

Feku: Stories of Loh Purush's organisational skills have spread far and wide, thanks to a well oiled PR machinery. But the tall tales of his Rambo act after Uttarakhand floods took away much of the sheen.

Gold: Its lure in the country spans all centuries, social strata, language and even regional divides. It commands more respect than any other financial instrument, much to the askance of finance ministry mandarins. Quite ironic for a country with Saharan social indices.

100 crore club: The new benchmark for Bollywood rat race. How the movies rake in such a figure is as coherent as the story line of Dhoom 3 or Krishh 3 and as credible as Salman Khan's claim to virginity.

Internal matter: When an editor gets caught pants down. The publishing house closes ranks and even its competitors wink and keep quiet. But with Twitter and Facebook around they seldom remain so and get 'viral'.

Laceration: The dictionary defines it as 'a jagged wound or cut'. But it is also caused if the cover over a teterestone fuelled act by a famous person gets blown off. Highly fleeting moment, at the most it lasts till an advocate is finalised.

Pappu: His speeches tend to increase the escape velocity of his audience. Poverty of ideas is after all a state of mind! 

Pee-dam: A highly innovative water conservation concept. You can count on this dam when monsoon fails. Location: Somewhere in Maharashtra. Chief engineer and architect: Ajit Pawar.

Selfie: Social media has been stoking the inherent narcissism in us. The latest offering is the 'selfie'. Though many have been doing it of yore it got a name only recently.

Spot Fixing: Though this 20/20 version of match fixing had been around before, it came under spotlight during the IPL. 

Tunch Maal: I had thought that my Hindi is pretty good until I came across this yorker from Digvijay Singh. Though he tried to explain that he used the term from a goldsmith's perspective, he failed to realise that in post-Nirbhaya world such terms are no longer kosher, even in jest.

 
Also Read: Bangalore Beat 

It Happens Only in India

It was indeed a foregone conclusion that the tamasha of digging for treasure by Archeological Survey of India, based on a godman's dream, had to end sooner or later as a damp squib. But it also revealed how deep rooted the ties are between the political class, godmen and bureaucracy.

Godman Shobhan Sarkar dreams of a 1,000-tonne gold treasure buried on the erstwhile fort premises of former king  Raja Rao Ram Bux Singhat in Daundia Khera, Unnao in Uttar Pradesh. He later reveals this to his ardent bhakt Union minister Charan Das Mahant and even writes to prime minister. The godman claims the 'gold' can be used by the Reserve Bank of India to tide over the economic crisis. Now don't tell me Raghuram Rajan's men had kept an empty strong room ready!

The Minister pulls the right strings and three months later on October 18 the Archeological Survey of India  willingly suspends disbelief and gets down to dirty its hands. For those who always saw the country as snake charmers' paradise, it was an euphoric 'I-told-u-so' moment. For this erstwhile sleepy village the excavation site soon acquired a mela like atmosphere with a steady stream of onlookers, vendors and TV reporters.

The Congress party initially put up a brave face with its spokesperson Renuka Chowdhury saying there is no harm if the country 'benefits' from it. It was indeed a far cry from Jawaharlal Nehru's days of inculcating scientific temper among the Indian masses and treating power plants and industrial complexes as new 'temples of India'.

Narendra Modi initially took a swipe at the Congress by saying the world was mocking at us over the treasure hunt and it should rather strive to bring back black money stashed abroad. But this sparked off angry reactions from the godman's followers with some questioning what NDA has done to bring back black money while it was in power. The loh purush meekly capitulated and the very next day said that his objective was not to hurt the feelings of the spiritual guru. He even went to the extent of sending a clarification, which was physically handed over to the godman by a BJP MLA. For him this was not the time for 'puppy coming under the car' analogy or other specious arguments.

The ASI which had landed itself in a hole by agreeing to carry out excavations had only ancient pottery and artefacts to show as result. The Congress party too changed its tune and said it was purely ASI's decision and it had nothing to do with it. The godman's disciple Omji now says that gold will not be discovered until and unless Shobhan Sarkar wishes so!

Also Read: Bangalore Beat

Lament of The Yellow Metal

Times are bad for me. I am being seen as a temptress who goads all and sundry to part with their hard earned savings. The Finance Minister has declared an open war on me. He has asked the people to avoid or cut down on buying me. The RBI economists look down on me, through their thick nerdy spectacles, as a big drain on what they call 'record current account deficit' - a fancy term that simply means the country is importing way too much than what it exports.

Though it has happened due to a combination of factors, I am being seen as the sole villain. Nobody is asking why the fuel bill is so bloated and why the diesel component within it is swelling like the midriff of some of our netas. Or for that matter why the exports have fallen, what are our brick and mortar and software companies doing. Why our software companies despite enjoying so many tax holidays and other sops have not created a single world-class product like Facebook or Twitter. Why our bright youngsters who join software companies, after topping in their engineering exams, do nothing worthwhile other than make power point presentations, attend mind numbing conference calls and while away the rest of time near coffee machines discussing IPL and Karan Johar movies.

They often call me a dead investment. Really, what happened in 1991. It was me who saved the nation's honour. And I do that on a daily basis for Indian families, whether it is for daughter's marriage or son's foreign education. Chalo chhoddo, I don't want to go on like the wronged women of saas bahu serials.

I wish I had remained holed up in the humble pit in South Africa cocooned in dirt and dross. But then do we have a choice? The rapacious march of 'civilization' and technology will never let us be.

Once we get processed and enter the market, most of us end up in India. Its appetite for yellow metal defies all logic and cuts across all strata of society. I find it quite ironic that this country, with shocking poverty and malnutrition statistics, has acquired such a distinction.

After coming here I came to know that in this country the fascination for yellow metal even transcends all eras. During the Medieval period the tales about India's riches spread far a wide. For marauding raider kings such as Genghis Khan and Nadir Shah India was an El Dorado to be ransacked, whatever it takes.

For ordinary people I was seen as an instrument to be acquired as a hedge against rainy days and had to be zealously guarded against robbers and dacoits. There were no bank vaults then, hence when it came to safekeeping me, the ingenuity of Indian households was mind boggling.

During the licence permit raj days, when even toothpaste was considered a luxury, I became the darling of the underworld, as nobody could trade me legitimately, thanks to the prevailing laws. Everything happened in hush-hush manner and I used to be shipped in dhows mainly from Gulf countries and land in some shady godforsaken place; sometimes encounter hot chase from the police. People returning from Gulf countries used to smuggle me in by using the most hideously ingenious techniques. I often used to end up having a glimpse of the insides of their digestive and (hold your breath) excretory systems, while travelling to India. 

The liberalisation of the 1990s came as a whiff of fresh air and I could arrive in the country through legitimate channels and was traded in a far more straight forward way. But alas the so called liberalisation actually turned out to be crony capitalism and the nation seems to be paying the price for it now with floundering economy and falling rupee. On a personal note going by the Government's new found hostility towards me, I dread the day when the only route available for me to enter this country will be through smuggling.

Also Read: Bangalore Beat