James Bond In His Sanskari Avatar

The spectacular success of Spectre in the country has whetted the appetite of James Bond franchise and they want to go beyond the multiplex crowds of the Indian metros to tap the huge market that is Bharat - the country's small towns and hinterlands.

If it were only for the language barrier they would have overcome it by dubbing it in Hindi or any other Indian language, but their extensive research revealed that these audiences somehow cannot relate to the blond Daniel Craig's exploits and craved for shuddh desi characters and plot.

Hence it was decided that to get access to this untapped market they will have to align with local players, mainly the Bollywood filmmakers. The research also revealed that these filmmakers were also very eager to remake Bond flicks with Indian sanskari characteristics. They held an IPL type auction and some of the top Bond hits of yesteryears were lapped up by top Bollywood filmmakers for astronomical sums.

Leading the pack was Sooraj Barjatiya, who managed to snap up two films. The first one was The World is Not Enough, which would be renamed as The World is not Sanskari Enough.

Though the plot of the film is still at conception stage, discreet enquiries with chai walas and spot boys of Rajshri studios revealed the broad storyline is somewhat like this. The desi Bond is on a mission to prevent the sanskar deficit the world currently faces and some are even trying to annihilate it. In this mission he is ably assisted by another agent Sheikh bin Sultan al Zayed, who hails from another sanskar rich country - Saudi Arabia. Together they try to provide vital nourishment and other forms of sustenance to the sanskar starved West.

The other one from Rajshri stable would be For Your Eyes Only, which would be known as For Your Saatvic Eyes Only. The movie will be set in the pilgrim centres located to the north of Rishikesh and my sources were unable to get any more details.

Another yesteryear Bond flick Moonraker was notched up by Karan Johar after a protracted negotiations regarding the improvisation of the title. As it is well known Karan Johar always makes a film whose title begins with the letter ‘k’, hence it was decided that Moonraker in its desi avatar will be known as Karva Chauth Moon Dekhkar.

The movie will be set in Manhattan and revolves around a saatvik love story. Desi Bond falls in love with a girl after ensuring that she belongs to the same caste, but different gotra and is not a manglik. It is also about the valiant efforts of our NRIs in upholding our culture, despite living saat samundar paar.

News regarding the cast is totally under wraps but as in other Karan Johar movies this one will also have many making cameo appearances, which would include Baba Ramdev and Radhe Maa.

Ashutosh Gowarikar was able to snap up the remake of cold war flick Live and Let Die. It would be known as Live and Let Dal Fry. Set in Indian hinterland this movie the desi Bond tries to unravel the recent mystery behind the disappearance of this vital and saatvic source of protein from Indian plates.

It is also rumoured the Ram Gopal Varma is angling for the Timothy Dalton starrer Licence to Kill, but Bond franchise people are wary considering his recent box office track record. It has been more than a decade since he had delivered a hit. Sources close to Ram Gopal varma say if he clinches the deal the movie will be named Licence to kill: Ab Tak Chhappan.

(A work of fully faltoo imagination)

Also Read: Bangalore Beat

Lessons From Bihar Election

Cows may be worshipped in the country, but there is a limit to milking it for votes, especially when prices of various dals (an inherent part of our staple diet) refuse to scale below three digits!!

A wise man once said there are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics. Numbers buttressed by algorithms can be quite beguiling and some of our poll pundits fell for it and singed their hard earned credibility, built over the years, in minutes. If jumped the gun. Then be ready to have some crow on your menu!

Dog may be man’s best friend and probably the first animal to be domesticated. But our loyal follower always got the raw deal. It was used as an invective to shame and abuse the rivals. Familiarity they say breeds contempt.

To win elections all parties try to field ‘winnable’ candidates – those with money and muscle power, with few criminal cases thrown in at various police stations. This may cause heartburn among the sincere and dedicated party workers, but this unfortunately is part of realpolitik. Just grin and bear it.

Pakistan, our twin brother, is also seen as a place to dump those with a perceived low patriotism quotient (read non-conformism to majoritarian agenda). Thankfully it is confined to jingoistic sloganeering. The fact of the matter is that almost everybody in our country day dreams of green card!!

Also Read: Bangalore Beat