James Bond In His Sanskari Avatar

The spectacular success of Spectre in the country has whetted the appetite of James Bond franchise and they want to go beyond the multiplex crowds of the Indian metros to tap the huge market that is Bharat - the country's small towns and hinterlands.

If it were only for the language barrier they would have overcome it by dubbing it in Hindi or any other Indian language, but their extensive research revealed that these audiences somehow cannot relate to the blond Daniel Craig's exploits and craved for shuddh desi characters and plot.

Hence it was decided that to get access to this untapped market they will have to align with local players, mainly the Bollywood filmmakers. The research also revealed that these filmmakers were also very eager to remake Bond flicks with Indian sanskari characteristics. They held an IPL type auction and some of the top Bond hits of yesteryears were lapped up by top Bollywood filmmakers for astronomical sums.

Leading the pack was Sooraj Barjatiya, who managed to snap up two films. The first one was The World is Not Enough, which would be renamed as The World is not Sanskari Enough.

Though the plot of the film is still at conception stage, discreet enquiries with chai walas and spot boys of Rajshri studios revealed the broad storyline is somewhat like this. The desi Bond is on a mission to prevent the sanskar deficit the world currently faces and some are even trying to annihilate it. In this mission he is ably assisted by another agent Sheikh bin Sultan al Zayed, who hails from another sanskar rich country - Saudi Arabia. Together they try to provide vital nourishment and other forms of sustenance to the sanskar starved West.

The other one from Rajshri stable would be For Your Eyes Only, which would be known as For Your Saatvic Eyes Only. The movie will be set in the pilgrim centres located to the north of Rishikesh and my sources were unable to get any more details.

Another yesteryear Bond flick Moonraker was notched up by Karan Johar after a protracted negotiations regarding the improvisation of the title. As it is well known Karan Johar always makes a film whose title begins with the letter ‘k’, hence it was decided that Moonraker in its desi avatar will be known as Karva Chauth Moon Dekhkar.

The movie will be set in Manhattan and revolves around a saatvik love story. Desi Bond falls in love with a girl after ensuring that she belongs to the same caste, but different gotra and is not a manglik. It is also about the valiant efforts of our NRIs in upholding our culture, despite living saat samundar paar.

News regarding the cast is totally under wraps but as in other Karan Johar movies this one will also have many making cameo appearances, which would include Baba Ramdev and Radhe Maa.

Ashutosh Gowarikar was able to snap up the remake of cold war flick Live and Let Die. It would be known as Live and Let Dal Fry. Set in Indian hinterland this movie the desi Bond tries to unravel the recent mystery behind the disappearance of this vital and saatvic source of protein from Indian plates.

It is also rumoured the Ram Gopal Varma is angling for the Timothy Dalton starrer Licence to Kill, but Bond franchise people are wary considering his recent box office track record. It has been more than a decade since he had delivered a hit. Sources close to Ram Gopal varma say if he clinches the deal the movie will be named Licence to kill: Ab Tak Chhappan.

(A work of fully faltoo imagination)

Also Read: Bangalore Beat

Tech-tonic Shifts on Silver Screen

The other day some TV channel was airing 2006 James Bond flick Casino Royale. Back then it was a valiant attempt by the James Bond franchise to make 007 relevant to post-9/11 reality. I remember Daniel Craig through his robust screen presence had resoundingly silenced many who had doubted his panache to play 007.

But what struck me was that throughout the movie he was using Sony Vaio laptop and a Sony Ericsson phone to get along with his business of licence to kill and make the world a safer place. It was a clever attempt by the Japanese electronics major to co-brand its products with the Bond flick.

If the producers were to make the same movie now (inclusive of pact with Sony) then Craig's baggage probably would be much lighter. He would be just carrying a Smartphone - probably the latest from Sony Xperia stable, tucked in the breast pocket of his suit and use 4-G technology to keep in touch with his boss M.

In the field of mobile phone technology six years has brought about a generational change. Those days the only Smartphone we heard of was BlackBerry and to possess that one probably had to be a higher up in the corporate ladder (a director I guess) of some MNC. Apple back then had only reached the iPod stage. The coolest thing then was to have a camera phone with an FM radio - MotoRazr, Nokia 6630 and Sony Ericsson Walkman were the top draws and the Gen-X was barely getting used to ear bud speakers and 2-megapixel cameras on their phones. Now PCs and laptops are facing the same fate as typewriters, when boxy desktops made their entry.

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Quite often the movie scriptwriters spin out stories in which the contemporary technology often proves to be a game changer of the plot. In mid-1990s I happened to see a movie Hear No Evil, starring Marlee Matlin, who had earlier won an Oscar for the movie Children of Lesser God. The movie is about a deaf woman who falls foul of a corrupt police officer looking for a stolen coin, hidden in the woman's pager. That was the first time I happened to see the 'beepy' matchbox like device and wondered what that hi-tech gadget was. It would often beep the wrong time, putting the woman’s life in danger. It was in fact pager - a precursor to the cell phone revolution.

If anybody from the current Smartphone generation happened to watch the movie he/she too would be astonished, but for a different reason. The device got reduced to a museum piece long back and they may wonder what that crude instrument was!

Also Read: Bangalore Beat